Here is the news, brought to you by your local Dealers in Genuine Antique Elephantiasis Artefacts - Fitzclubbins & Sons. "If it's swollen - Fitzclubbins'll have it!"
Yesterday, 12.45pm. The local police commander, Private Parts, has again repeated the call repeated the call for all widows to lock their windows, after a spat of spatula break-ins over the recent weeks. Scratching himself dolefully with a glisteningly grotty hand, Pvt. Parts reportedly stated, " 'Tis the luck of the Irish me missus 'asn't been done, I tells ya." Police investigations are continuing. This reporter refused to shake hands after the interview had concluded, and was arrested and later bailed for $52,369.95 for an alleged breach of the 1986 Omo Whiteness Local By-Laws.
LA, California, Tuesday. President Humperdink of Afstponostahn was the target of a bunged abduction and assassination, whilst holidaying with Disney Executive Producers of his next sit-com, "Mickey Mouse Foils the Surf Nazis." The attack, inappropriately carried out with full planning and copyright permission of the LAPD, commenced during the midday lunch rush-hour, and the President was shielded by a particularly strong cappachino from the score of rubber darts thrown in his general direction. The would-be assassin was soon captured after he fell down, his pants sliding down his hairless legs. A pink g-string was later removed from the scene as a vital evidential clue. The President, nor Disney Executives, deny possessing the aforementioned g-string, which can lately be viewed on the backside of LAPD's Police Chief between the hours of 9 and 10 am - by appointment only. President Humperdink was reportedly shaken by the attack on his personal sausage, and has taken steps to ensure such an infringement upon his personal person should not occur again in the future. He plans to spend the last 15 years of his tenure locked inside a hermatically-sealed airtight plastic airball, floating picturesquely above the high mountain lakes of his native country. More news to follow when it comes out of the fax machine.
And now for the latest on regional sport, here's the drunken rambling drooler, Don Wonklestoned with todays' news. Don...?
Don...?
Ahhh... has anybody seen Don...? Anybody...? Aahhh... (off-screen scratching of paper). Here's is today's sport brought to you by - Me!
Today in sport was a big day in the celebration of who we are becoming as a nation of bereaved beavers. The Ponsfordby Ladies Auxiliary Bowling Club Committee (C-grade) has voted to accept women who might have been male in a previous existence - pending legal confirmation. This will ensure that very hair women will now be entitle to represent their region in future Bowls Comps, rather than just serve behind the bar.
And with breaking news just in... my hat has been found, albeit slightly soiled and stained with lime. Joy!
And now for the weather, brought to you by Fitzclubbins and Sons - think monstrous swelling - think Fitzclubbins! Today was blueish with some big yellow thing in the sky for a bit which went away when the big grey puffy stuff came and then the water fell out of the sky! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Run for your lives! Aaaiiieeeee!
(Commercial Break). Our News Team regularly use and endorse the Sacred Flummerworten Mushrooms of Zaphod. Try some for yourself today - and let the voices in your head do the talking!
Cyalayta
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